Breaking Benjamin Series
by That-Fresh-Rain-Smell
Summary: A series of songfics to Breaking Benjamin songs. I'm working on covering every album but so far only Phobia and We Are Not Alone are completed.Most are SS/HP but one is HP/TM
1. Phobia: Breath

_Breath_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_I see nothing in your eyes_

_And the more I see the less I like_

_Is it all the end_

_In my head?_

_Hoooo!_

_I know nothing of your kind_

_And it won't reveal your evil mind_

_Is it all the end?_

_I can wait!_

_So sacrifice yourself_

_And let me have what's left!_

_I know that I can find_

_The fire in your eyes_

_I'm going all the way_

_Get away _

_Please_

_You take the breath right out of me!_

_You left a hole where my heart should be_

_You've got to fight just to make it through_

_Cause I will be the death of you._

_This will be allover soon_

_Pour the salt into the open wound_

_Is it all the end_

_Let me help (out?)_

_So sacrifice yourself_

_And let me have what's left!_

_I know that I can find_

_The fire in your eyes_

_I'm going all the way_

_Get away _

_Please_

_You take the breath right out of me!_

_You left a hole where my heart should be_

_You've got to fight just to make it through_

_Cause I will be the death of you._

_

* * *

_

No matter how hard he looked.

_I see nothing in your eyes_

He found nothing.

_And the more I see the less I like_

What he did see, gave him no pause for consideration. It was nothing new. Loathing, desire, dislike, contempt.

_Is it all the end_

_In my head?_

It could surely be the end of what he thought was only beginning. The fact was; he never knew.

_I know nothing of your kind_

He truly did not know the man at all.

_And it won't reveal your evil mind_

Nothing could show him what that man truly thought.

_Is it all the end?_

_I can wait!_

If this was all, he looked forward to the demise of their uncertain.

_So sacrifice yourself_

_And let me have what's left!_

Give him what he most desired, kill what he sees in your eyes and give him what you hide from him.

_I know that I can find_

_The fire in your eyes_

If he could just dig deep enough he could find it. If he could get the right reaction from him, there would be fire, struck by him.

_I'm going all the way_

_Get away _

_Please_

The end. He would follow it down, down wherever it led. Push him away and let him follow it. _Not like he would stop you,_ he mused to himself.

_You take the breath right out of me!_

Breathless. Moaning. Writhing under him, helpless to his own reaction and completely devoid of any control, had he any to begin with.

_You left a hole where my heart should be_

When they had sex he felt more of him drift away. Like something he let go of while caught in a storm in the sea.

_You've got to fight just to make it through_

Fighting the storm was useless. You had to fight the urge to let yourself stop struggling to stay afloat to make it through anything.

_Cause it will be the death of you._

Fighting the urge to die will kill you. Living on will be your death. How very true.

_This will be allover soon_

_Pour the salt into the open wound_

_Is it all the end_

_Let me out!_

Since he would be gone in not so very long, he might as well enjoy the burning feeling of salt in the wound. Continue the wicked game that raged between him and the other.

_So sacrifice yourself_

_And let me have what's left!_

_I know that I can find_

_The fire in your eyes_

_I'm going all the way_

_Get away _

_Please_

He would plead? Never. Beg? No. he would growl, demand, and be satisfied just as brutally.

_You take the breath right out of me!_

_You left a hole where my heart should be_

_You've got to fight just to make it through_

_Cause it will be the death of you._

Death was so close. He felt his head rise, and he entered the too-familiar dungeon room with a sneer, intent on provoking death in the most satisfying way imagined.


	2. Phobia: Dance With the Devil

_Here I stand_

_Helpless and left for dead_

_Close your eyes_

_So many days go by_

_Easy to find what's wrong_

_Harder to find what's right_

_I believe in you_

_I can show you that I can see right through_

_All those empty lies I _

_Wont stay long_

_In the world so wrong!_

_Say goodbye_

_As we dance with the devil tonight_

_Don't you dare look at him in the eye_

_As we dance with the devil tonight._

_Trembling _

_Crawling across my skin_

_Feeling your cold dead eyes_

_Stealing the life of mine_

_I believe in you_

_I can show you that I can see right through_

_All those empty lies I _

_Wont last long_

_In the world so wrong!_

_Say goodbye_

_As we dance with the devil tonight_

_Don't you dare look at him in the eye_

_As we dance with the devil tonight._

_Hold on!_

_Hold on!_

_Say goodbye_

_As we dance with the devil tonight_

_Don't you dare look at him in the eye_

_As we dance with the devil tonight._

_Hold on!_

_Hold on!_

_

* * *

_

He stood on the edge of a great battlefield

_Here I stand_

They had abandoned him to face this alone

_Helpless and left for dead_

The Dark Lord came striding up to him, Death Eaters flanking his sides, Severus Snape on the right-handed side of the man.

He closed his eyes

_Close your eyes_

It had been so long…

_So many days go by_

His confusion of the past years still raged.

_Easy to find what's wrong_

Was it right to love the man who had betrayed everything?

_Harder to find what's right_

And even before that, had it been right, with the man his professor? The man, who hated him?

_I believe in you_

Yes. He said silently. Yes.

_I can show you that I can see right through_

_All those empty lies I_

What did it matter? When both were going to die anyway? It didn't.

_Wont stay long_

He would leave

_In the world so wrong!_

Of his own accord, he would walk away.

Those nights, so long ago…

_Say goodbye_

When he cared not for the conflicting emotions inside. Only for his hunger. Desire. Need.

_As we dance with the devil tonight_

He had thrown himself with a line that carried only what he craved.

_Don't you dare look at him in the eye_

And had give himself away

_As we dance with the devil tonight._

To that man, so long ago, and to his emotions, so hard to control.

_Trembling _

He had lay there, full of nerves, that first time.

_Crawling across my skin_

Gooseflesh as the man's hands had ran over his entire body. Moans as the man showed him what he did not even know he wanted.

_Feeling your cold dead eyes_

At the moment, he hadn't cared. He allowed himself to be taken. All of himself.

_Stealing the life of mine_

And then he had cared. Once his lust was sated, he knew it was more than just that simple.

_I believe in you_

So he wanted more.

_I can show you that I can see right through_

And had tried to obtain it.

_All those empty lies I _

He had failed.

_Wont last long_

And now he left

_In the world so wrong!_

But as he looked at the man, he conveyed all his thoughts in a second, and he saw, to his satisfaction, startled eyes beyond the mask.

_Say goodbye_

He had let himself go…

_As we dance with the devil tonight_

Given away…

_Don't you dare look at him in the eye_

And he'd do it again

_As we dance with the devil tonight._

Just one more time

_Hold on!_

He had clung to the man not only with his body, but his soul as well. And he had held on until now.

_Hold on!_

_Say goodbye_

"Goodbye," he addressed Snape alone, but the Death Eaters laughed and Voldemort hissed a crucio in his direction.

Snape didn't laugh.

_As we dance with the devil tonight_

Harry played a wicked game.

_Don't you dare look at him in the eye_

But he stared long into those hateful red eyes

_As we dance with the devil tonight._

Until he was at last allowed to stand.

Turning his back

_Hold on!_

He said goodbye.

_Hold on!_


	3. Phobia: Diary of Jane

_The Diary of Jane_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_If I had to_

_I would put myself right beside you_

_So let me ask_

_Would you like that?_

_Would you like that?_

_And I don't mind_

_If you say this love is the last time_

_Just let me ask_

_Do you like that?_

_Do you like that?_

_No!_

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_So tell me how it should be!_

_Try to find out _

_What makes you tick_

_Cause I lie down_

_Sore and sick_

_Do you like that?_

_Do you like that?_

_There's a fine line_

_Between love and hate_

_And I don't mind_

_Just let me say_

_That I like that_

_I like that_

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_As I burn another page_

_As I look the other way_

_I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane_

_So tell me how this should be!_

_Desperate I will crawl_

_Waiting for so long_

_No love!_

_There's no love!_

_Die for anyone_

_What have I become?_

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_As I burn another page_

_As I look the other way_

_I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane_

_

* * *

_

Harry lay in his bed in Gryffindor tower, frustrated beyond belief—a not uncommon occurrence. He was disturbed with himself and his utterly demented loyalties, first off, but mostly he was irritated at the man himself.

_If I had to_

_I would put myself right beside you_

Frustrated, he mulled, was a rather timid word for the passionately enraged feelings that tore through him.

_So let me ask_

_Would you like that?_

_Would you like that?_

He felt like screaming those words at the man. "Would you like that?" And he could just imagine the response he would receive.

"In fact, Potter," the dark form moving closer, loom over him, pressing him against a wall or desk or chair. "I do indeed," his imagination did not need words to elaborate what would soon follow.

After, the man would order him out, and command him not to return. Then, at Harry's relentless pleas and ranting and door-pounding, the man would furiously give Harry a lesson in pain he would never forget. However, by the following night…

_And I don't mind_

_If you say this love is the last time_

_Just let me ask_

_Do you like that?_

_Do you like that?_

He wondered idly if Snape enjoyed these twisted games he played with Harry, and then sighed. Of course he did.

_No!_

Did Harry?

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

It certainly felt like something inside him was about to snap at the endless, torturous pleasure he derived from his nightly dungeon visits.

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_So tell me how it should be!_

It seemed that every time he felt comfortable with the way the things were between them, it changed. First hate. Then respect. Then lust. Then pain. Then…?

_Try to find out _

_What makes you tick_

Oh how he would love to know what made the Potions Master do the things he did. What compelled him to allow Harry to return, what made him want to cause the boy immeasurable pain, then kiss him in the same breadth of time.

_Cause I lie down_

_Sore and sick_

_Do you like that?_

_Do you like that?_

He knew the man loved the way Harry fell asleep confused and pouring pain from him in red and clear.

_There's a fine line_

_Between love and hate_

What was it about the man that compelled Harry himself to return? One moment he felt something too deep to comprehend, the next, unclaimed loathing and spite.

_And I don't mind_

_Just let me say_

_That I like that_

_I like that_

All he knew was that he liked it.

_Something's getting in the way_

Something that bordered hate and lust and pain and pleasure.

_Something's just about to break_

Inside him, without him, he knew he would soon snap_._

_I will try to find my place_

If he ever fit anywhere

_In the diary of Jane_

In this recollection of himself.

_As I burn another page_

As he sliced another vein…

_As I look the other way_

As he stared at things unseen…

_I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane_

He wriggled and attempted to fit where he had no right to belong.

_So tell me how this should be!_

He wanted to scream and yell and curse and hex and kiss and love and _feel_ that man…

_Desperate I will crawl_

_Waiting for so long_

If it was one thing he had learned, it was, perhaps, patience. Whether on his hands and knees or sprawled on his back, there was no way to hurry the professor.

_No love!_

_There's no love!_

If the past two years had taught him anything, it was that love did not, indeed, exist. All there was left here was lust and pain and pleasure and loathing.

_Die for anyone_

If he was to die for the wizarding world, he would die his way.

_What have I become?_

He thought back to the nights previous to this, and then farther, before they had begun. What had he become?

_Something's getting in the way_

_Something's just about to break_

_I will try to find my place_

_In the diary of Jane_

_As I burn another page_

_As I look the other way_

_I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane_

As he drifted off to sleep with restless thoughts prowling his mind, he remembered vaguely that he should perhaps stop the flow of blood slipping from the vein on the inside of his elbow.

Before he could move himself to rise, however, he was asleep. And after that, he was never truly sure if he awoke, for his dreams were as dark and haunting as his waking hours.


	4. Phobia: Evil Angel

Evil Angel

Breaking Benjamin

_Hold it together_

_Birds of a feather_

_Nothing but lies and crooked wing_

_I have the answer_

_Spreading the cancer_

_You are the faith inside me_

_No!_

_Don't!_

_Leave me to die here_

_Help me survive here_

_Alone!_

_Don't!_

_Remember!_

_Remember!_

_Put me to sleep evil angel_

_Open your wings evil angel!_

_I'm a believer_

_Nothing could be worse_

_All these imaginary friends_

_Hiding betrayal_

_Driving the nail_

_Hoping to find their savior_

_No!_

_Don't!_

_Leave me to die here,_

_Help me survive here alone!_

_Don't!_

_Surrender!_

_Surrender!_

_Put me to sleep evil angel!_

_Open your wings evil angel!_

_Fly over me evil angel!_

_Why can't I breathe evil angel!_

_Put me to sleep evil angel!_

_Open your wings evil angel!_

_Oh!_

_Fly over me evil angel!_

_Why can't I breathe evil angel!_

_

* * *

_

He stood in the dark, alone under the tree by the lake. With one hand, he rested against the rough bark, leaning against the tree with most of his weight.

_Hold it together_

Somewhere, miles away, another was doing quite the same thing, with quite a different tree.

_Birds of a feather_

He spat angrily on the ground, seeing blood glint in the light before the glob touched the soil. There was nothing left. No friends, family. No one.

_Nothing but lies and crooked wings_

The idea spread through him like vile poison, and he smirked at the inkling it foresaw.

_I have the answer_

Remembered flashes of scars and blood.

_Spreading the cancer_

They spread across his skin like some strange disease.

_You are the faith inside me_

A beautiful disease. One that kept him alive. How odd was it, that pain and such nasty habits kept him upright?

Helpless, he sat heavily on the ground, leaning against a large root as he contemplated the past occurrence. Dumbledore, the conning old bastard, and Voldemort. The two who battled for his blood, his service, his death.

While Dumbledore was now deceased, it changed nothing. What the old man had set in motion was reason enough to loathe him for. He had laid a flawless trap, and now Harry was well and truly ensnared.

After the large, raging fight with Snape, he now knew the truth. He knew he was only being used, by either side. And that made him so completely bitter.

_No!_

The only one he would even begin to hope to talk to was far, far away. Severus Snape was not a man he could easily reach, and frustration and anger welled inside him.

_Don't!_

_Leave me to die here_

After the man had literally screamed the truth at Harry through ligilimency, after Harry had been forced to see, through the other man's eyes, what truly went on, Snape had left him.

_Help me survive here_

Snape's appearance was wholly unexpected on his part, he mused. The man had appeared that night, apprehended Harry in his midnight wanderings, and had _forced_ him to see the truth. After, when Harry was left gasping on the floor, curled in on himself, Snape had disappeared.

_Alone!_

Now, after such a visit, he tried desperately to restrain old, unwanted memories. Memories of far more pleasant excursions into the dungeons. Ones where the hands that touched him were soft, not violent. Ones in which Snape was rough, but not brutal.

_Don't!_

_Remember!_

_Remember!_

Now all he wanted was to forget. And the idea that slithered through him was suddenly so very attractive.

_Put me to sleep evil angel_

The razor blade…he always carried it with him. Always. Pathetic, Potter, Snape would say. But Snape was not here.

_Open your wings evil angel!_

Slice the vein, splay it in halves. The game he played with himself was a deadly one.

_I'm a believer_

_Nothing could be worse_

What they told him, he had always believed. How idiotic he was. As Snape was always telling him, he was useless.

_All these imaginary friends_

Friends, they called themselves.

_Hiding betrayal_

Betraying him even as they spoke. No, their intentions were pure enough. It was the betrayal of _his_ life.

_Driving the nail_

_Hoping to find their savior_

They didn't care what they did to _him_, as a person, just as long as they found someone to die for all. As long as they made him their hero.

_No!_

_Don't! _

He felt so useless, so helpless. He wished that Snape would return, even if his only reason was to yell at him more. Why had he left, even? He could not remember… Was he thinking of the mans most recent departure? Or the one that occurred what seemed so long ago…

_Leave me to die here,_

_Help me survive here alone!_

If only he hadn't dug the blade in so deeply…he might have had the strength to apparate. He could tell the man…

_Don't!_

_Surrender!_

_Surrender!_

Blood curling in twining patterns over old scars.

_Put me to sleep evil angel!_

Intricate weaves leave new eyesores.

_Open your wings evil angel!_

The presence he spoke to with reverence and dread…

_Fly over me evil angel!_

It was the angel who spoke with him whenever he bled…

_Why can't I breathe evil angel!_

Having trouble with air was not usually a symptom of the cruelly beautiful lines.

_Put me to sleep evil angel!_

Why couldn't he breathe…?

_Open your wings evil angel!_

Was this truly the end, for him…? He laughed as he thought it. Wouldn't that suit Dumbledore? No, it would not be so easy. Not for the likes of him.

_Oh!_

_Fly over me evil angel!_

But perhaps…life would be generous, enough…

_Why can't I breathe evil angel!_

His angel spoke quiet words, and he felt himself gasping for air.

It was dark, so dark. But even as it was, he could not tell if he was dead, or sleeping, or even if he was breathing.

_Evil angel!_

And he thought…he rather liked it that way.


	5. Phobia: Had Enough

_Had Enough_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_Milk it for all it's worth_

_Make sure you get there first_

_The apple of your eye_

_The rotten core inside_

_We are the prisoners_

_Things couldn't get much worse_

_I've had it up to here_

_You know your end is near!_

_You had to have it all_

_Well have you had enough?_

_You greedy little bastard you_

_Will get what you deserve_

_When all is said and done_

_I will be the one_

_To leave you in your misery _

_And hate what you've become_

_Intoxicated I_

_No longer live that life_

_You should have learned by now_

_I'll burn this whole world down!_

_I need some peace of mind_

_No fear of what's behind_

_You think you've won this fight_

_You've only lost your mind!_

_You had to have it all_

_Well have you had enough?_

_You greedy little bastard you_

_Will get what you deserve_

_When all is said and done_

_I will be the one_

_To leave you in your misery _

_And hate what you've become_

_Hold me down_

_I will live again_

_Hold me down_

_I will break it in_

_Hold me down!_

_Better in the end_

_Hold me down!_

_You had to have it all_

_Well have you had enough?_

_You greedy little bastard you_

_Will get what you deserve_

_When all is said and done_

_I will be the one_

_To leave you in your misery _

_And hate what you've become_

_Heaven help you!_

_Heaven help you!_

_

* * *

_

_Milk it for all it's worth_

_Make sure you get there first_

He despised the man. Absolutely loathed him.

_The apple of your eye_

_The rotten core inside_

And to think, he had once _loved_ him. What a fool! Now, at least, he was free to hate him with all of himself. No little part of him hidden, no small part detached. No twisted bit of him conned into thinking he _liked_ the way the man touched him.

_We are the prisoners_

Trapped inside himself.

_Things couldn't get much worse_

But it was far beyond that, even. The man was so despicable. Utterly horrid in the way he betrayed all who counted on him. The way he treated Harry. The way he had killed Dumbledore, had gone after only what _he_ had wanted. Hadn't cared about how Harry felt. Had only left.

_I've had it up to here_

He had completely withstood all he could when it came to that man. Now, after he had killed Dumbledore, he was free of him. Perhaps he should be thankful. Instead he only felt frustration, anger, and hate.

_You know your end is near!_

Harry would do all within his power to take Severus Snape down.

_You had to have it all_

The man had taken him, made Harry his, in every way. What more was there?

_Well have you had enough?_

Now he pursued more.

_You greedy little bastard you_

And he hated him. Hated him.

_Will get what you deserve_

_When all is said and done_

At the end of this

_I will be the one_

It was him

_To leave you in your misery _

To see Snape for what he was

_And hate what you've become_

And loathe what he was.

_Intoxicated I_

The blood and pain was a quick relief from frustration and longing and hate and anger.

_No longer live that life_

He wasn't the man's whore anymore, damnit!

_You should have learned by now_

_I'll burn this whole world down!_

Now, with the man gone, he was free. So why did he not feel so?

_I need some peace of mind_

He was hardly likely to receive such comfort. As the days past, he realized his anger for what it was.

_No fear of what's behind_

He no longer feared his memories.

_You think you've won this fight_

The man had left him. Did he think he had won?

_You've only lost your mind!_

Sometimes he thought he truly was insane.

_You had to have it all_

You had taken me

_Well have you had enough?_

You used me

_You greedy little bastard you_

And then you left me

_Will get what you deserve_

The anger was not leveled at Snape for the man's excellently placed killing curse. It was frustration and hurt and pain that fueled the anger this time. Helpless, all he could do was hate the man who had left him like so much trash.

_When all is said and done_

Never to mind that, he would get his.

_I will be the one_

_He_ would be the one to retaliate.

_To leave you in your misery _

Snape would wish he had never left.

_And hate what you've become_

Snape would be sorry.

_Hold me down_

He had been repressed by the man for nearly three years.

_I will live again_

And now he grew, anger and hurt and frustration fueling his growth.

_Hold me down_

No matter his memories

_I will break it in_

He would risk everything

_Hold me down!_

He _needed_ Snape, and that, more than anything, angered him beyond reason.

_Better in the end_

But his end would be _his_, and his alone.

_Hold me down!_

_You had to have it all_

Now, here he was.

_Well have you had enough?_

Snape was on top of him. _Inside_ him.

_You greedy little bastard you_

His hate fueled passion

_Will get what you deserve_

His rage left marks

_When all is said and done_

Now the man began to walk away.

_I will be the one_

"Don't leave," a statement, more than a request.

_To leave you in your misery _

Snape's retreating back.

_And hate what you've become_

"I hate you," his whisper was so quiet. Yet it was filled with the year of emotions he had endured. Snape remained silent as he moved away.

"I love you," this was even quieter, and in that moment, he found he meant it far more than he had the previous comment.

"Heaven help you, Potter. Do the angels even listen to you anymore? No. They turned their backs on you long before this. It's a pity, really, that you wandered into my classroom, so many nights ago…" and then he was gone, leaving Harry in a shivering mess of a person.

_Heaven help you!_

"Heaven help me?" he screamed, knowing that no one was there to hear him. "Heaven help me…" he repeated this, quietly, to himself, a he curled up on the disgusting floor of the cellar he was kept in.

He had allowed Voldemort to capture him. Anything to become closer to the man. At first he had envisioned violent revenge. But soon he realized his delusional state. He could never enact such revenge when he wanted something so much more. Something so completely different.

_Heaven help you!_

And he had received what he so sought.


	6. Phobia: Here We Are

_Sing it for me_

_I can't erase the stupid things I say_

_You're better than me_

_I struggle just to find a better way_

_So here we are_

_Fighting and_

_Trying to hide the scars_

_I'll be home tonight_

_Take a breath and softly say goodbye_

_The lonely road_

_One that I should try to walk alone_

_I'll be home tonight_

_Take a breath and softly say goodbye_

_You wouldn't like me_

_Keep moving on until forever ends_

_Don't try to fight me_

_The beauty queen has lost her crown again_

_So here we are_

_Fighting and_

_Trying to hide the scars_

_I'll be home tonight_

_Take a breath and softly say goodbye_

_The lonely road_

_One that I should try to walk alone_

_I'll be home tonight_

_Take a breath and softly say goodbye_

_Goodbye_

_So why are you so eager to betray?_

_Pick the pieces up_

_Pick the pieces up_

_So why are you the one that walks away?_

_Pick the pieces up_

_Pick the pieces up_

_Pick the pieces up_

_

* * *

_

_It rained. He stood on the soggy ground in the baggy clothes he always wore, head bowed. He was soaked thoroughly and, unlike the surrounding witches and wizards using repellant charms, he used none. _

_There was a halo of mist that danced around his outline as the rain hit him softly, causing his edges to look blurred, as if he was not really there. As if he was only halfway there._

_No one spoke; the entire place was far too quiet, too dead. No one cried or wailed, as they had at Dumbledore's funeral. No, these people mourned silently. They mourned their misplaced distrust, and hate. They mourned the fact that they had so easily turned upon the one who had oh so subtly saved them all._

_But no one actually mourned the person, as he did._

_No one mourned the body of which was being buried, because none had known him. _

_None but him. _

_Sing it for me._

_I can't erase the stupid things I say._

_He was shouting, throwing objects and screaming at the other man, who stood stoic and unmoving, completely passive as he raged on. _

_The things he had screamed at the man, so many long nights ago, came back to whisper in his mind, came back to force his regret, make him wince._

"_I only let this continue because I pity you!" he had screamed, throwing a large stone candleholder at the fireplace. At the time, Snape had moved forward to overpower him, press him against the wall._

"_Pity me, Potter? When it is you who can't seem to stay away from this room," and while Snape had clearly convinced him that he was wrong, he knew somewhere that the words had stung. How could they not? They ate away at him, who said it, didn't they?_

_You're better than me._

_I struggle just to find a better way_

_He cast his eyes down to watch a worm wriggle from the mud and then back into it, disappearing from view. The rain was taming his hair like no brush could, and it now lay in tendrils, framing his face and twining down the back of his neck._

_So here we are_

_Here we are. A pretense funeral, to satisfy their guilt. The only one who truly knew anything was him, and he watched the mockery with disdainful indifference._

_Fighting and_

_And now…now what? Where did this leave him? Just to go on…move on…_

_Trying to hide the scars_

_He fingered the fringe of the wet sleeve of his left arm, pulling it tighter around the base of his thumb. He could hear Snape's mocking voice echo in his mind. _

"_Begun that nasty habit again, have you, Potter? I should have known."_

_I'll be home tonight_

_Home…Hogwarts was all he knew of the word. Harry might return there…but _he_ never would._

_Take a breath and softly say goodbye_

"_Goodbye," whispered so soft, not said aloud at all._

_You wouldn't like me_

_Keep moving on until forever ends_

_If this were my funeral, he thought bitterly at the deceased, you wouldn't waste your time to even show up. You'd just go on like always, unperturbed. Gods, how I loathe you sometimes._

_Don't try to fight me_

"_It's useless," he would say, "to attempt to fight the way of things, Potter. You'll only lose more brain cells than you already have through arduous, thankless work." Harry shivered, but not from the cold. His anger and pure helplessness was causing him to shake so severely, he wondered how those next to him couldn't notice._

_The beauty queen has lost her crown again_

"_Potter, as much as you might want it to be so, the world does not revolve around you." _

_He felt defeated. As if he had been cheated out of something so vitally precious to him that there were holes in his mind, as if the memories were fading away faster than he could grasp at them._

_The lonely road_

_One that I should try to walk alone_

_Hermione and Ron tried to put their hands on his shoulders, but he shook them off. They had no idea. They were truly clueless when it came to him and this man. Even his nightly wanderings didn't alert them to anything other than everyday Harry Potter. And that was, he felt, how it should be. Even had they known, they would not be able to be with him in this. This was solely his, and his alone._

_I'll be home tonight_

_Take a breath and softly say goodbye_

_The sermon apparently over, the crowd of black-robed witches and wizards began to disperse, leaving Harry to stand alone by the marked grave. Now, as the others faded from view, he moved to the front, standing, looming over the final resting place of Severus Snape. _

_Goodbye_

_It was goodbye. He tried to tell himself this, because apparently he didn't believe it. Not truly. Eyes still dry of any hint of tears, he sunk to his knees in the soft, wet grass and mud, twining his fingers in the green wisps. _

_He felt like something was being pulled from him. As if his spinal cord was being tugged from the base of his neck, through his throat. As if his stomach was being wrenched from its moorings. As if his ribs were popping out of their sockets and pulling free of the cartilage that held them together._

_But it wasn't a physical pain. It was so much worse, because had it been physical, he could comprehend the pain._

_This…_

_This was far more, so incomprehensible that he scrambled and clung to the pain, trying to understand, trying to embrace it, to accept it, to _feel_ it. It was what could not be felt physically. And it felt like he was loosing something far more precious than blood, marrow, and cells._

_So why are you so eager to betray?_

_Betrayed him. Betrayed everything…_

_Pick the pieces up_

_Pick the pieces up_

_Had he really shattered so completely, beneath his own skin? He felt whole on the outside, but inside he felt like jangled nerves so shot that they cracked and broke. Felt as if he carried thousands of broken glass pieces within himself, pieces that threatened to tear through his flesh from the inside out. Or outside in, depending on how you look at it._

_Fighting and,_

_Trying to hide the scars_

_Trying to hide had never worked with Snape. The man always knew when he added a new line across his arm. He always seemed to know when he wrote a word in the blood of his flesh. It was impossible to hide it._

_But now he could. Now he was hiding it. Death hid him so completely from Snape that he was free to do as he pleased with his own skin, his own knife._

_So why are you the one that walks away?_

_Why was it always he who left? Why, in all their fights, was he the one to turn his back and walk away unhindered, unscathed. _

_Why was Harry left, kneeling in the rain-soaked grass, as the man walked from him, his back turned on him, forever?_

_Pick the pieces up_

_Now he cried. Soft, slow tears, creating salty trails in the freshwater rain. Leaking pain and regret from every pore, he cried._

_Pick the pieces up_

_Pick the pieces up_


	7. Phobia: Topless

A/N: There's two different 'Topless's here because I liked both.

* * *

_Topless_

_Fruit on the vine_

_You got yours_

_And I got mine_

_Meat on your bones_

_They won't know_

_They won't know!_

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

_I'm on my way_

_To feel you_

_Dislocate_

_Safe in your space_

_I'm open_

_Wide open!_

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

_Like me_

_Like me_

_Like me_

_Like me!_

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

*~*!*~*

_Fruit on the vine_

_You got yours_

_And I got mine_

_They both knew why they were here._

_Meat on your bones_

_They won't know_

_They won't know!_

_

* * *

_

"_They won't know," he had said. "They will never know. You are mine," the first night he was down here. The memory felt old—was it truly that long ago?_

_ Every night he found himself down here. Against his will? It could be called that. He never allowed the man to take him willingly, that was true. Pain and blood and sex. Violent and angry, all the time. This seemed to be a game they played. Or perhaps it was a game that played him. Repeatedly._

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

_The crux of the thing was, he mused, that he had grown accustomed to the man's face. He wanted him and longed for him. But he just wanted him gone._

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

_On his knees, his back, his stomach. It didn't mater. Anger and loathing boiled inside of him so strongly, he hated this man. _

_ "Well, well, Potter. It seems you've found your way yet again into my classroom,"_

"_Fuck you," quiet malice and deepest loathing so very evident._

_Later, he was saying quite the opposite._

"_Fuck me," he would growl, just loud enough for the opposing body to oblige._

_It was so painful, harsh, and cruel; it felt as if Snape drove towards something when they were pressed harshly against the dungeon wall. Like his violent thrusts brought him closer to Harry's brutal demise. _

_I'm on my way_

_To feel you_

_Dislocate_

_What he loathed the most, beyond the violent rapes and scathing remarks, bruises, cuts, and dirty floor, was Snape himself. So controlled, together, and placid in and of himself. It was true, he lost control when he had Harry against every imaginable surface, but still, in that, he was hidden. _

_Safe in your space_

_Whereas Harry, never the good occlumence, was wide open. His vulnerability so evident, his pain and loathing, desire and motivation, so clear for the man to see._

_I'm open_

_Wide open!_

_While it wasn't consensual in the least, while Snape took him and had him whenever and however he wanted, regardless of Harrys pleas or protests, there was something more. Harry hid what he had left of his unsettling emotion better than he had ever before. It was detected in his eyes as desire, but it ran far deeper than even that could reach. _

_And he hid it exceptionally well. For who loved their rapist? None but him, right? The freak? Yeah. _

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

"_There is nothing akin to the likes of you, Potter. Nothing so vile and wrong," the man had once snarled. Oh, how he was right. Rage at the fact that it was true, rage and loathing for the man himself, welled up inside him as he remembered._

_Like me_

_Like me_

_Like me_

_Like me!_

_Neither of them saw the letter opener until it was in Harry's hand, covered in red. Neither knew quite what had happened until Harry spoke, and shattered the suspended reality_.

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

_Naked, Harry kneeled beside the dying man, clutching his forearm with one hand, the letter holder with the other. He felt the oddest feeling of septicemia take hold, and he wondered if such things happened when this type of situation occurred._

_However, he stayed stagnant, unmoving as he watched the man's life drain from his body._

"_Fuck you," he whispered vehemently, his anger misplaced and seething._

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

_

* * *

_

Topless Take Two:

_Fruit on the vine_

_You got yours_

_And I got mine_

_Meat on your bones_

Harry stood in front of the man's mahogany desk; face conflicted as he gave up midnight to be where he was.

"Please," Harry looked down, voice soft. "I want this,"

"Do you, now? One would think, with all the people to choose from, your preference would differ quite drastically. However, Mister Potter, it is simply out of the question."

_They won't know_

_They won't know!_

"They won't know. They won't know!" Harry yelled, almost desperately, but too angry for it to be considered weak.

"Irrelevant."

Harry brought his eyes up slowly to watch the man speak, mesmerized by his strong surge of feelings as he looked on. Hate and longing raged between him so fiercely that he mistook passion for some form of violence at first consideration.

_I love your face_

_Just get away_

As Snape came around the side of the desk to stand in front of Harry, close to him, Harry lashed out, pushing his palms against the man's chest and thrusting forwards.

"Just get away!" he screamed at the man, who stood unfazed.

"My, aren't we full of contradictions. I'm afraid Potter, that you have already made your choice," And he had. Really, contradictions aside, his initial choice was what fueled his anger now. And his anger made him so vulnerable.

_I'm on my knees_

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_

Luckily, vulnerability was not an issue at that precise moment. Snape gave him what he wanted. Pain and pleasure would forever be mixed for him, it seemed, and he left the dungeons with a strong sense of satisfaction and unresolved anger.

* * *

"Potter…Back so soon?" Snape's mocking sarcasm dripped venom, causing Harry to mutter quietly, with incensed force, "Fuck you."

Later, he was saying quite the opposite.

"Fuck me," he growled, just loud enough for the opposing body to oblige.

Brought to his knees and still filled with unquenched anger and loathing. Broken wide open yet still hidden rage.

As he continued to make nightly visits to the dungeons, his anger and hate grew by multitudes. He wanted to rip the other man apart, to feel him break as he had broken, to savage his self control and wreak havoc on his own inner darkness.

_I'm on my way_

_To feel you_

_Dislocate_

The man was so damn controlled! Safe in his own self, hidden behind whatever mask he used. Whatever reason he allowed this to continue, was his to know, and his alone.

_Safe in your space_

Whereas with him, he was open, vulnerable, and easy to read, making him incensed beyond reason and positively insane.

Wasn't it obvious he loved the man? As plain was it was obvious he loathed him as well. Rage was all he could muster at the situation, and rage was all he ever showed. Sex was painful and cruel, but it was far better than nothing at all.

Every time he wanted to run, wanted to push the other away. But he was so very infatuated with him; with the thoughts…he was incapable of doing it.

_I'm open_

_Wide open_

_I love your face _

_Just get away_

So it would continue.

Rage, pain, loathing, fucking against a cold stone wall was all they would ever be, or do. So he took it, hated it, hated him, and loved it all.

He wanted to be there. Loathed himself. Loathed Snape. And loathed what went on, those cold nights alone.

So fuck it all, his rage so venomous and complete in it entirety. Fuck it all.

_I'm on my knees _

_Fuck you_

_Fuck me_


	8. Phobia: Unknown Soldier

_Unknown Soldier_

_Borderline_

_Dead inside_

_I don't mind_

_Falling to pieces_

_Count me in_

_Violin_

_Let's begin_

_Feeding the sickness_

_How do I_

_Simplify _

_Dislocate_

_The letter is on the way!_

_Show me what it's like _

_To dream in black and white,_

_So I can leave this world, tonight_

_Full of fear_

_Everclear_

_I'll be here_

_Fighting forever_

_Curious_

_Venomous_

_You'll find me_

_Climbing to heaven_

_Never mind_

_Turn back time_

_You'll be fine_

_I will get left behind_

_Show me what it's like _

_To dream in black and white,_

_So I can leave this world, tonight_

_Holding on too tight_

_Breathe the breath of line_

_So I can leave this world behind_

_It only hurts just once_

_They're only broken bones_

_Hide the hate inside_

_Show me what it's like _

_To dream in black and white,_

_So I can leave this world, tonight_

_Holding on too tight_

_Breathe the breath of life_

_So I can leave this world behind_

_

* * *

_

_Harry sat, back to the cold stone of the frosted astronomy tower, motionless. The snow fell softly onto all the grounds, muffling the air and world like a cold, frozen cotton._

_ The grounds were filled with about two feet of snow, and all the scant few who had stayed over the Christmas holiday were inside._

_Borderline_

_He trembled on the brink._

_Dead inside_

_When had he been alive? Like the life that slept beneath the snow, it felt as if he had never truly been._

_I don't mind_

_Death rarely cared it was what it was. Dead._

_Falling to pieces_

_Without life inside, what was left to hold his pieces together? It was only a matter of time before gravity played its part._

_Here on the snow covered tower, he fell._

_Count me in_

_Violin_

_Let's begin_

_Feeding the sickness_

_Whatever this was, he felt it feed on his shards, and gladly obliged the hunger. For it had been so long since he had felt the burning, clawing desire._

_How do I_

_Simplify _

_Dislocate_

_How did he simplify what he only now wanted to do? Death on the inside was rarely a satisfying death. The external shell that would reveal to the world his internal absence was most desirable, at that moment._

_ You could tell them, read them your souls obituary, but they could hardly understand. Nevertheless, written and flown, to only one who he felt should read it._

_The letter is on the way!_

_Show me what it's like _

_To dream in black and white,_

_So I can leave this world, tonight_

_Black and white, like the world outside. The white snow, the castle faded grey, iced-over lake and black, dead trees. The soft snow that fell from the white, crisp sky was the only sensation he could comprehend in the faded screenplay he performed._

_Full of fear_

_Funny how those dead can still fear. Fear of what comes next. This place where his body lived and he did not was merely the halfway space in which he was decided—light, or dark?_

_Everclear_

_The answer seemed so obvious to him, as clear and stark as this day, this undetected twilight. This placid white and smeared, inky grey._

_I'll be here_

_Fighting forever_

_They expected only that of him. Only, as if it was something small. While only one thing, such a large thing in which he could never complete. For how did those deceased fight on?_

_They did not._

_Curious_

_Curiosity only strikes when something in the black and white world became a stark red in contrast. Only when his flesh and blade met in union._

_Venomous_

_It flowed through his veins, as poisonous as sin and just as deadly. The wanton need for pain or something else. Something unknown._

_You'll find me_

_Climbing to heaven_

_If this halfway place, so black and so very white, was between him and eternity, he would climb the mire of filth to the brimstones of heavens burning gates._

_Never mind_

_Turn back time_

_You'll be fine_

_I will get left behind_

_They would always tell him this, as if it were that simple. Sacrificing themselves for him, the greater good. When the greater good was dead, was it not so good?_

_He was afraid to ask._

_Show me what it's like _

_To dream in black and white,_

_So I can leave this world, tonight_

_Holding on too tight_

_Breathe the breath of life_

_So I can leave this world behind_

_If he was dead, than the breath he breathed was surely life. And in breathing life, he embodied it? And in that, he lived? Or did he just dream in this black and white world? Dream the cold, bitter air that filled his lungs? Bitter was life and cold was its demise._

_It only hurts just once_

_They're only broken bones_

_Hide the hate inside_

_It would be so simple…to forsake his physical shell. So easy to push back against the wall until his head was in the white air, before his shoulders, before he pushed off once last with his feet and let himself fall to the ground, flying the speed as a black feather._

_Show me what it's like _

_To dream in black and white,_

_So I can leave this world, tonight_

_His only regret, he mused, was not pursuing what he longed for. But that could not be helped. He was, however Gryffindors looked at it, cowardly in that respect. For requesting a liaison with his most hated professor was something he was too empty to do. _

_Holding on too tight_

_Breathe the breath of life_

_So I can leave this world behind_

_Breathe; something so simple seemed so tedious, at the moment._

_He pushed up, over, and flew. _


	9. Phobia: You

_You_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_My hands are broken_

_And time is going on and on it goes_

_Forever_

_(How long?)_

_So I got high and_

_Lived on that life that I had taken all_

_For granted_

_Promise me you'll try_

_To leave it all behind_

_Cause I've elected hell_

_Lying to myself_

_Why have I gone blind?_

_Live another lie_

_You_

_You_

_The only way out_

_Is letting your guard down_

_And never die_

_Forgotten_

_(How long?)_

_Forgive me my love_

_I stand here all alone_

_And I can see_

_The bottom_

_Promise me you'll try_

_To leave it all behind_

_Cause I've elected hell_

_Lying to myself_

_Why have I gone blind?_

_Live another lie_

_You_

_You_

_You!_

_You!_

_

* * *

_

He couldn't keep up, couldn't continue as Snape pressed him harder and harder to do so.

_My hands are broken_

But where was hope? He was their hope, and yet he felt none himself. Could hope feel hope?

_And time is going on and on it goes_

Things just wove on. Time moved without care or thought to the prisoners it carried.

_Forever_

Going and moving, on and on.

_(How long?)_

How long would he be locked in this tryst? How long until he was dead, or he had killed?

_So I got high and_

The smell of his blood and the sharp nicks across his skin.

_Lived on that life that I had taken all_

_For granted_

He lived for every minute of it, every second. But that did not make it more bearable.

_Promise me you'll try_

_To leave it all behind_

Severus Snape asked the impossible of him. "Forget we ever happened, Potter. Mistakes are to be learned from. This particular one is to be forgotten."

_Cause I've elected hell_

_Lying to myself_

Had he really thought there could be anything between them?

_Why have I gone blind?_

_Live another lie_

Even now he didn't know what was real and what was not.

_You_

He cursed the man bitterly.

_You_

Wanted him desperately.

_The only way out_

How would one escape this place?

_Is letting your guard down_

Open themselves wide open. The world would do the damage itself.

_And never die_

Just make sure to leave parting gifts—memories of your short, elated stay.

_Forgotten_

_(How long?)_

_Forgive me my love_

Forgive me, he thought, looking over the precipice that lingered at the fringe of his mind.

_I stand here all alone_

You left me, but I don't blame you. Who wouldn't, in your place?

_And I can see_

_The bottom_

Would he like to visit there?

_Promise me you'll try_

_To leave it all behind_

Leave me behind

_Cause I've elected hell_

_Lying to myself_

I thought I had left you behind

_Why have I gone blind?_

How am I to know if you have left me, if I cannot see?

_Live another lie_

Pretend your vision is perfectly fine. Your not here. Not here.

"I love you," addressed to the cold, bitter wind.

_You_

"I know." Imagined response, whispered in kin.

_You_

"I hate you," growled in the night.

_You!_

"As it should be, Potter." imagined it was not, that time.

_You!_


	10. Phobia: You Fight Me

_You Fight Me_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_You fight me_

_Glad I'm alone to face _

_I fell_

_Finding in the end I'll live well_

_In the light of the life that I have found_

_Is coming down_

_I know it isn't real but it's easy _

_To beat me_

_(Suck it up!)_

_Life is sink or swim_

_Love is blinding_

_No surviving_

_I don't know what I wanna be yet_

_But I can show that I need to see this_

_No time for lies and empty fights_

_I'm on your side_

_Can we live a life of peace and happiness?_

_(I don't think so!)_

_Broken I am scared to leave some things alone_

_(I'm in control!)_

_This is how_

_This is how it's gonna end! _

_This is how_

_This is how it's gonna end! End!_

_Everyone is waiting here for everyone_

_Leave me alone_

_This is how_

_This is how it's gonna end!_

_This is how_

_This is how gonna end! _

_This is how_

_This is how it's gonna end!_

_This is how_

_This is how it's gonna end!_

_

* * *

_

Dammit! Why the fuck did that man always have to contradict him!

_You fight me_

He kicked the wall of the room of requirement, and reveled in the loneliness of the room.

_Glad I'm alone to face _

Slumping against the wall, he thought 'I need _my_ razor,' and one appeared. _His_ appeared.

_I fell_

Wouldn't it be funny? He laughed shortly as he slid the dull side along his arm, contemplating. Would it not be funny, if, in the end, this was all resolved? He could look back and laugh…

_Finding in the end I'll live well_

In the beginning he had lived poorly, and the middle he had lived borderline content. In the end, he would most likely end sad.

_In the light of the life that I have found_

_Is coming down_

The contented period of time was already coming to a close; he contemplated, flipping the blade around skillfully as he began to cut designs into his skin.

_I know it isn't real but it's easy _

Nothing was real anymore. It seemed like his day-to-day life was so surreal, like he viewed it through his own eyes, but at a vast distance.

_To beat me_

He supposed that if he faced voldemort from that far-off place he saw the world from; he would be defeated quite easily.

_(Suck it up!)_

Snape would say, "Mister Potter. As much as I hate to extract you from the diluted fantasy that the world is here to coddle you, you _must_ learn to _suck it up_."

_Life is sink or swim_

If life had taught him anything, it was that. If Snape had taught him anything, it was this.

_Love is blinding_

If what he felt for the man _was_ love, he couldn't tell anymore. He was too blind to see anything besides the pain and lust.

_No surviving_

If he survived the war, and this thing with that man, he thought, he would most likely laugh at the absurdity and then slice up his skin till he oozed his pain. Sometimes he really was insane.

_I don't know what I wanna be yet_

_But I can show that I need to see this_

He knew nothing, as Snape often told him. But what he did know was that he needed to see what the man had to show him.

_No time for lies and empty fights_

Even though they occurred a lot—and it pissed him off to no end—it was truly unneeded.

_I'm on your side_

Why couldn't the man see…his loyalties lie with him alone. Snape had made dead sure of that the first time they had met unprofessionally.

_Can we live a life of peace and happiness?_

_(I don't think so!)_

He scoffed at the idea of true love, happiness and peace. There was only war, hate, and lust.

_Broken I am scared to leave some things alone_

_(I'm in control!)_

He told the man this a lot, but it was still yet to be believed. He didn't even believe it himself. But, even as he lay broken on the floor, under the man's brutal and soft touches alike, his vile tongue could not let things be.

_This is how…_

He ran the blade deeper into the vein on his arm, flicking drops of blood onto his pale arm.

_This is how it's gonna end! _

Was this how it would end? He laughed inside at the though. Harry Potter…Suicide. How befitting of someone so worthless, as he had always be told.

_This is how_

_This is how it's gonna end! End!_

_Everyone is waiting here for everyone_

They would mill around, like lost sheep…how could those who were known as great, truly be great, if they relied on a 16 year old teenage boy with masochism problems. He shook his head at the folly of it. They could take care of their own fucking problems, he thought.

He had no real fight with Voldemort. Sure, the man had killed his parents, but had he known his parents in the first place? No. sure, he had taken away his home, but that's just the way of things. There was bad and there was good, and Harry didn't really feel like messing with either.

_Leave me alone_

The blade ran deeper.

_This is how_

Dug harder.

_This is how it's gonna end!_

It _would_ end like this. Fuck everyone else. Fuck Snape.

_This is how_

The man could be left alone, like he always claimed to desire.

_This is how gonna end! _

And Harry would be left alone. Like only half of him wanted.

_This is how_

The half of him that longed for a presence, longed for someone's touch, longed for _his_ touch would have to be sated by the razors' harsh caress. Was there really a difference?

_This is how it's gonna end!_

And whoever found him, he thought with satisfaction, would never forget. Most of all, _Snape_ would not forget.

_This is how_

And that, as he faded, was what mattered to him most. That Snape would not forget him, that the man would not possibly ever be able to bury him in his mind like so many other things.

_This is how it's gonna end!_

And then, smile and blood on lips, he faded into grey.


	11. We Are Not Alone: Away

_Away_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_Cold am I_

_I'm beside myself_

_Because there's no one else _

_Have I grown_

_So blind_

_Only god could save you_

_If you knew your way to the light_

_So fly away _

_And leave it behind_

_Just stay awake_

_There's nowhere to hide _

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin _

_I need you_

_There coming to take you away_

_Frail and dry _

_I could lose it all_

_But I cannot recall _

_It all wrong_

_Don't cry_

_Clear away this hate_

_And we can start to make it alright_

_So fly away_

_And leave it behind_

_Return someday_

_With red in your eyes_

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin _

_I need you_

_There coming to take you away!_

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin _

_I need you_

_There coming to take you away!_

_Away!_

_

* * *

_

_Cold am I_

He was so cold.

_I'm beside myself_

_Because there's no one else _

He could trust himself, because there was no one else

_Have I grown_

_So blind?_

Was he missing something here?

_Only god could save you_

_If you knew your way to the light_

He was blinder than appearances let on, for only he could get lost in light. Only he could see nothing but the darkness.

_So fly away _

_And leave it behind_

How could he force himself to forget?

_Just stay awake_

If he slept there would be only nightmares to accompany him.

_There's nowhere to hide _

The last words Snape had said to him haunted him, assaulted him at every opportunity.

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin _

_I need you_

_There coming to take you away_

_Frail and dry _

His skin was so pale.

_I could lose it all_

He could lose it all to his own masochism.

_But I cannot recall _

He couldn't remember his reasons against the thought.

_It all wrong_

He was wrong.

_Don't cry_

If he did he would not stop.

_Clear away this hate_

When all he felt was loathing? There would be nothing else. Nothing left to impersonate his existence.

_And we can start to make it alright_

It would never be alright.

_So fly away_

_And leave it behind_

If he left now, what would he become?

_Return someday_

_With red in your eyes_

Return only for revenge. It was a tempting thought.

The words continued to haunt him.

_I see you_

Not anymore.

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

He would leave

_I hear you_

Only an echo

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

Only a whisper, now.

_I feel you_

Just one lingering touch

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin _

Once was never going to be enough

_I need you_

Not any longer. Or so he'd like to thing

_They're coming to take you away!_

Never would he allow it.

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin _

_I need you_

_There coming to take you away!_

_Away!_

And he was gone away.


	12. We Are Not Alone: Believe

_Believe_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_Hide!_

_Don't tread the water_

_Just stay still _

_I'll not be bothered_

_By you until _

_I'm picking sides_

_And pulling the strings_

_I'm living lies_

_And shedding the skin _

_I'm open wide_

_And letting you in_

_I'm wronging rights_

_Believe!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

_Shut up!_

_Smart little bitch_

_I don't need lies!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

_Get up!_

_Force it to fit!_

_Confined inside!_

_Don't pull me under_

_Into the deep_

_I often wonder_

_How it should be_

_I'm picking sides_

_And pulling the strings_

_I'm living lies_

_And shedding skin _

_I'm open wide_

_And letting you in_

_I'm wronging rights_

_Believe!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

_Shut up!_

_Smart little bitch_

_I don't need lies!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

_Get up!_

_Force it to fit!_

_Confined inside!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

_Shut up!_

_Smart little bitch_

_I don't need lies!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

_Get up!_

_Force it to fit_

_Confined inside!_

_My! _

_Dead eyes!_

_No!_

_Hide!_

_

* * *

_

Concealed from the world, the shadows in the lime light.

_Don't tread the water_

_Just stay still _

He didn't move, didn't make ripples. Only stood still and slowly drowned in the oppressive wave of his responsibilities and duty.

_I'll not be bothered_

He couldn't be bothered with anything but what was expected of him. Trapped in a standstill, hiding from the world.

_By you until _

_I'm picking sides_

"Well I'm here aren't I? It's not like I'm going to go running back to the Order after siding with a traitor!" He screamed at his professor. Not exactly a wise decision.

_And pulling the strings_

He manipulated. Stole. Altered. Erased. He was not who he was.

_I'm living lies_

_And shedding the skin _

Who he had been was gone now.

_I'm open wide_

His true self he revealed only to this singular man.

_And letting you in_

And this is how it felt to be.

_I'm wronging rights_

If one wrong in his life was righted, it felt the world adjust and shift to perfection. All he needed was this.

_Believe!_

"Believe what you will, Potter."

_I don't care what you want_

"My only motivation is most clearly for my own benefit."

_I just want mine!_

_Shut up!_

"No." Harry wouldn't believe it. Like always.

_Smart little bitch_

Profanity _always_ made him hard.

_I don't need lies!_

"Don't even attempt to convince me you get more from this than a good fuck, Potter. For I would never believe it."

_I don't care what you want_

Ruthlessly perusing his own intentions. What man had he desired, to be so cold? He knew all too well.

_I just want mine_

_Get up!_

_Force it to fit!_

Grunts and gasps and screams and moans. Another day in the classroom with unprepared sex. Harry was becoming accustomed.

_Confined inside!_

Again he was trapped and hiding.

_Don't pull me under_

_Into the deep_

He was falling again

_I often wonder_

_How it should be_

He never had any basis for a normal life.

_I'm picking sides_

He was here now. He couldn't turn back

_And pulling the strings_

Manipulation was such a beautiful thing. It could convince a person they loved when they did not, they hated when they cared, that they desecrated when they purified.

_I'm living lies_

Here was he again.

_And shedding skin _

_I'm open wide_

_And letting you in_

_I'm wronging rights_

And sometimes he thought there was more to this. And each time he allowed this thought, he was proven wrong. He barely had thoughts, anymore.

_Believe!_

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

Snape had left him broken here and dead inside, left him unattended and crawling through this grass of stained tinted red.

_Shut up!_

Or perhaps he had not, after all, left him.

_Smart little bitch_

A foot fell from his left and kicked a sounding crack into his jaw line.

_I don't need lies!_

"I need not hear your disgusting lies any longer, Potter."

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

"I've gotten what I wanted."

_Get up!_

"Get up. I might as well leave you with my tension satisfied."

_Force it to fit!_

_Confined inside!_

He felt dead to the world, but no phoenix sang obituary.

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

Gasps and moans. Not as harsh and not as long. Was there some type of cold desire in Snape's eyes? Or was that only hatred?

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

"Get up Potter. I won't leave you in this state."

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine!_

"Didn't think you cared."

_Shut up!_

A smarting slap, this time.

_Smart little bitch_

"Don't ever presume I do, Potter. I merely cannot have you left here on Hogwarts grounds with my traces so very evident upon you. It's time you fulfill your loyalty. We're going to the Dark Lord."

_I don't need lies!_

"Don't tell me you regret your sworn loyalty?"

_I don't care what you want_

_I just want mine_

"No sir. All I regret is…"

_Get up!_

_Force it to fit_

"Say it, Potter." Snape obviously thought he meant their sex.

_Confined inside!_

_My! _

"I regret….that I wasn't truly alive when I came to you. That you weren't able to break me completely. That the rest of my life got the chance before you did."

_Dead eyes!_

And then Snape looked Harry in the eyes, and saw his death written like a poem, with the words scratched from the surface of the slate they were carved into.

_No!_

And he smirked.


	13. We Are Not Alone: Break My Fall

_Break My Fall_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_You fought me once but not again_

_You let me feel your heavy hand_

_I will clean your fuckin mess_

_And leave no trace of evidence_

_I am losing you again_

_Let me out and let me in_

_'cause you're not alone here_

_Not at all_

_Let me belong here_

_Break my fall_

_Shelter me from this again_

_Dedicated to the end_

_Help me break my conscience in_

_To free her from our innocence_

_I am losing you again_

_Let me out and let me in_

_'cause you're not alone here_

_Not at all_

_Let me belong here_

_Break my fall_

_

* * *

_

_You fought me once but not again_

Snape had fought his advances the first time. But not this time.

_You let me feel your heavy hand_

This time the man allowed him to feel the brutality he was truly capable of.

_I will clean your fuckin mess_

_And leave no trace of evidence_

And left Harry here to clean all traces of evidence.

_I am losing you again_

"Don't leave me here," he would plead. "Don't go."

_Let me out and let me in_

He wanted to push as far away as possible from the man, and yet get closer than ever before.

_'cause you're not alone here_

He was here, was he not?

_Not at all_

Or did he not register as anything?

_Let me belong here_

Please let me belong here with you.

_Break my fall_

_Shelter me from this again_

Always saved by his saving grace.

_Dedicated to the end_

"I'm staying. I'm in this to the end,"

"Fool."

_Help me break my conscience in_

"Have you no conscience, Potter! This is wrong. And has been so from the start!"

_To free her from our innocence_

"I wasn't aware…" the words were spoken as Harry advanced on Snape, and the previous discussion was again dropped.

_I am losing you again_

"No. Gods please don't go. Why! Why again?"

_Let me out and let me in_

_'cause you're not alone here_

_Not at all_

_Let me belong here_

And this time, he was truly gone. This time, Harry truly fell.

_Break my fall_


	14. We Are Not Alone: Breakdown

_Breakdown_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_Breakdown!_

_Let the fun and games begin_

_She is spayed and broken in_

_Skin is cold and white_

_Such a lovely lonely night_

_Heaven is on the way_

_You can feel the hate_

_but I guess you never will_

_I'm on a roll again_

_and I want an end_

_'cause I feel it creeping in_

_What I found in this town_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_What's that sound, you're so loud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_NO!_

_Drank up all my alcohol_

_This is not a free for all_

_I'll be there for you_

_'till my heart is black and blue_

_Heaven is on the way_

_You can feel the hate_

_but I guess you never will_

_I'm on a roll again_

_and I want an end_

_'cause I feel you creeping in_

_What I found in this town_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_What's that sound, you're so loud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown _

_What I found in this town_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_What's that sound, you're so loud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_You breakdown, you're so proud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_What's that sound, you're so loud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_NO!_

_Breakdown!_

_

* * *

_

Here he went again.

_Let the fun and games begin_

He laughed and smiled as the terror set in.

_She is spayed and broken in_

Veins so cold without their blood and life.

_Skin is cold and white_

He was so, so cold.

_Such a lovely lonely night_

He laughed at the thought of anything alive. What was alive? Surely not this, what he was, here. Surely not.

_Heaven is on the way_

So this was death.

_You can feel the hate_

He sure felt the loathing, seeping from the other man.

_But I guess you never will_

He supposed he never would find out how exactly that hate exchanged for lust.

_I'm on a roll again_

_And I want an end_

He hoped this truly was death. For what if it was merely an illusion? He smiled sadly at the thought. That would be disappointing.

_'cause I feel it creeping in_

He felt the cool touch enter through his splayed wrists. This was truly an end of something. Of what he was not sure.

_What I found in this town_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

This could be considered a breakdown of sorts.

_What's that sound? You're so loud_

_Now _the man made noise?

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

Here they went again.

_NO!_

"No!...Don't," he ordered as Snape attempted to remove the razor from his hands and press a towel to his deep wounds.

_Drank up all my alcohol_

He had staved off the impending end by consuming a dreadfully alarming amount of fire whisky and scotch. But it had not helped, as he had intended.

_This is not a free for all_

_I'll be there for you_

_'till my heart is black and blue_

He was here, but his life and heart were not in it anymore.

_Heaven is on the way_

"I…"

_You can feel the hate_

"Hate…"

_But I guess you never will_

"You…"

_I'm on a roll again_

_And I want an end_

_'cause I feel you creeping in_

"But don't…don't…think that means anything to me." Harry was having quite a time with the breathing thing. Perhaps this really was something akin to an end.

_What I found in this town_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_What's that sound, you're so loud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown _

_You breakdown, you're so proud_

The last thing he remembered seeing was the other's breakdown. He remembered this because the other was so proud, he didn't think it possible.

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_What's that sound, you're so loud_

_I'm heading for a breakdown_

_NO!_

Screamed, was the last word he heard.


	15. We Are Not Alone: Firefly

_Firefly_

_Firefly_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_You my friend_

_You're a lot like them_

_but I cut your line_

_and you know I did_

_Now I'm lost in you_

_like I always do_

_And I'd die to win_

_'cause I'm born to lose_

_[Chorus:]_

_Firefly _

_could you shine your light_

_Now I know your ways_

_'cause they're just like mine_

_Now I'm justified _

_as I fall in line_

_and it's hard to try _

_when your open wide_

_Take my hand_

_We'll be off and then_

_We'll come back again_

_to a different land_

_Now I like this way_

_you could go away_

_If you guess the name_

_you could not replace_

_[chorus]_

_Bring me your enemies_

_Lay them before me_

_And walk away_

_Walk away_

_Walk away!_

_[chorus]_

_Fuck you firefly_

_Have you lost your light?_

_Now I hate your ways_

_'cause they're just like mine_

_So you lost my friend_

_Such a sorry end_

_Now I don't know why_

_So I choke and smile_

_Smile!_

_

* * *

_

_You my friend_

_You're a lot like them  
_like all the great evil wizards of the world, until he, Harry, came along.

_But I cut your line_

_And you know I did_

He was what stayed the difference. What changed his reputation.

_Now I'm lost in you_

Now Harry could not get the other off his mind.

_Like I always do_

This was a constant recurrence.

_And I'd die to win_

_'cause I'm born to lose_

_Firefly _

_Could you shine your light?_

He was beginning to see things clearly since that night.

_Now I know your ways_

_'cause they're just like mine_

They were so much alike.

_Now I'm justified _

With that reasoning, he was justified.

_As I fall in line_

As he joined his enemy.

_And it's hard to try _

_When your open wide_

It was a hard thing to do, to be in such close proximity, especially when the other's thoughts were so open….and provocative.

_Take my hand_

If he even touched the other man, there might be a consequence. He wasn't sure which he wanted, nothing, or everything. Both ideas scared him. Haunted him.

_We'll be off and then_

_We'll come back again_

_To a different land_

It could change things forever, were they to follow through with provocative thoughts that led to dreams that should not be had.

_Now I like this way_

_You could go away_

Would he miss the other mans presence if he were to leave? He doubted it.

_If you guess the name_

_You could not replace_

He could just guess what would happen if Tom did leave, however, and kept such thoughts well beyond coherent.

_Firefly _

_Could you shine your light?_

He was here, now.

_Now I know your ways_

No more uncertainty.

_'cause they're just like mine_

He had joined the enemy.

_Now I'm justified _

This was warranted as they were so alike

_As I fall in line_

Or so he told himself.

_And it's hard to try _

_When your open wide_

_Bring me your enemies_

Who were once his greatest friends.

_Lay them before me_

What sadistic pleasure he took from this was his own.

_And walk away_

Walking away was the best part.

_Walk away_

Showing them his true loyalties never ceased to amuse him.

_Walk away!_

_Firefly _

_Could you shine your light_

_Now I know your ways_

_'cause they're just like mine_

_Now I'm justified _

_As I fall in line_

_And it's hard to try _

_When your open wide_

_Fuck you firefly_

He was getting sick

_Have you lost your light?_

Had he disappeared? Had he lost his way?

_Now I hate your ways_

He began to loathe the man he fucked every night.

_'cause they're just like mine_

He began to remember to hate himself.

_So you lost my friend_

His greatest friend, his own thought.

_Such a sorry end_

Insanity was such fun in this end.

_Now I don't know why_

He lost his reasoning and lost his way

_So I choke and smile_

But he stayed there kneeling at the Dark Lords feet

_Smile!_

And he smiled.


	16. We Are Not Alone: Follow

Follow

Breaking Benjamin

_I'm losing sight_

_Don't count on me_

_I chase the sun_

_It chases me_

_You know my name_

_You know my face_

_You'd know my heart_

_if you knew my place_

_I'll walk straight down_

_as far as I can go!_

_[Chorus:]_

_I'll follow you, you follow me_

_I don't know why you lie so clean_

_I'll break right through the irony_

_Enlighten me_

_Reveal my fate_

_Just cut these strings_

_that hold me safe_

_You know my heart_

_You know my gaze_

_You'd know my heart _

_if you knew your place_

_I'll walk straight down_

_as far as I can go_

_[chorus]_

_Enlighten me_

_Reveal my fate_

_Cure this_

_Wait_

_I hate this_

_Wait_

_[Chorus]_

_

* * *

_

_Enlighten me_

_Reveal my fate_

_I'm losing sight_

He didn't know what was important, anymore.

_Don't count on me_

He wished they wouldn't.

_I chase the sun_

_It chases me_

Chasing something he could not hold. Was he truly insane? Or did he just desire the man too much to realize it was futile?

_You know my name_

Not like it mattered.

_You know my face_

He wished the man could look beyond it.

_You'd know my heart_

Desire you

_If you knew my place_

Beside you. Under you, beneath you, on my knees in front of you.

_I'll walk straight down_

He'd descend the spiral of despairs stairs.

_As far as I can go!_

_I'll follow you, you follow me_

Not such a simple request.

_I don't know why you lie so clean_

He wasn't sure why he was free of blame

_I'll break right through the irony_

His plan laid all his thoughts to shame.

_Enlighten me_

If he was so intellectually challenged, then he should be taught.

_Reveal my fate_

Let me be here

_Just cut these strings_

_that hold me safe_

Cut me lose from these safe moorings and allow me to fall into you.

_You know my heart_

The man now knew Harry's place.

_You know my gaze_

He felt the boy's eyes on his back

_You'd know my heart _

_if you knew your place_

Yet he was still reluctant to admit it.

_I'll walk straight down_

_as far as I can go_

_I'll follow you, you follow me_

_I don't know why you lie so clean_

_I'll break right through the irony_

"I want you." Simply said. The ends fate is a different matter.

_Enlighten me_

Hands upon his skin. What he always wanted never felt right enough.

_Reveal my fate_

Is this what he wanted, is this what he sought?

_Cure this_

Cure me of my infatuation

_Wait_

_I hate this_

Hate your smile and your words

_Wait_

Let me stay here, let me stay. No, no, no. Don't push me away. Please! Let me stay. Just let me stay.

Whispered, yelled, taunted, and screamed, the words had no effect on the stoic face.

_I'll follow you, you follow me_

Would he return? Probably not ever. His memories would have to suffice.

_I don't know why you lie so clean_

_I'll break right through the irony_

He'd broken through once, and paid the full admittance fee.

_Enlighten me_

Was this how this would be?

_Reveal my fate_

What he wanted was not this. What he desired was far from this loneliness.


	17. We Are Not Alone: Forget It

_Forget It_

_Forget It_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_It's a crime you let it happen to me_

_Never mind, I'll let it happen to you_

_Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose_

_But my mind and all the things I wanted_

_Ever time I get it I throw it away_

_It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay_

_By the time I lose it I'm not afraid_

_Of looking at you truly fake it_

_How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me_

_You're the part of me that I don't wanna see_

_Forget it_

_There's a place I see you follow me_

_Just a taste of all that might come to be_

_I'm alone but only breath you can breathe_

_To question every answer coming_

_Just send away_

_Please just let me stay_

_Coming your way_

_Forget it_

_It's a crime you let it happen to me_

_Out of mind, I love it, easy to please_

_Never mind, forget it, just memories_

_On A page inside a spiral notebook_

_Just send away_

_Please let me stay_

_Coming your way_

_I can live forever here_

_Forget it_

_How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me_

_You're a part of me that I don't wanna see_

_I can live forever here_

_

* * *

_

_It's a crime, you let it happen to me_

How could the man forgo his rigid control and allow Harry to succumb to his desires?

_Never mind, I'll let it happen to you_

Who cared really, when all he wanted to do was the same.

_Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose_

Forget it ever happened, for it would not happen again. He had nothing to lose by forgoing the memory, and everything to gain.

_But my mind and all the things I wanted_

He knew there was more at stake than what there seemed. If he just let it pass, forgot it, as he was told to, he would lose his mind and everything he desired.

_Ever time I get it I throw it away_

Whenever his desire lay within his reach, he pushed it to the side, condemning himself and convincing himself he was wrong to want such a thing.

_It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay_

Obviously this was a sign that he was repressing something…or something. He didn't care anymore. He just wanted to stay here.

_By the time I lose it I'm not afraid_

By the time he lost all he had to gain, he was no longer afraid. He supposed that's just how it went.

_Of looking at you truly fake it_

Now he watched the other man, unabashed. Unashamed.

_How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me_

And yet he was plagued with doubt. How could he believe it was what he wanted when his desire so easily forwent his own coherent thought?

_You're the part of me that I don't wanna see_

He new they were alike. Too alike for his own comfort. _Why do you think you do so well together? Why do you think you two can fuck better than anyone else you've ever been with? _The voice taunted him from his thoughts. _It's because you are so much like him. So dark and wrong that you two exist so very perfectly._

_Forget it_

Try and ignore it. Try and forget it.

_There's a place I see you follow me_

Was that him now?

_Just a taste of all that might come to be_

A kiss was by far so very insignificant when he knew there could be so much more.

_I'm alone bate only breath you can breathe_

Alone he asked.

_To question every answer coming_

And in the mans company he questioned each answer. Why? Why not? No. no. no.

_Just fade away_

He felt his presence ebb. The man ignored him like he wasn't there

_Please let me stay_

"Please…"

_Coming your way_

Severus Snape was caught off guard as Harry threw himself towards him.

_Forget it_

"Forget it, Potter. Such a profane thing is not likely to ever happen again."

_It's a crime you let it happen to me_

How could Snape do this to him?

_Out of mind, I love it, easy to please_

A part of him loved the sadistic twist of disregard. He was so easy to please yet so dissatisfied.

_Never mind, forget it, just memories_

What did he care anyway? All he had were memories, and they were just that. Why should he care beyond that?

_On A page inside a spiral notebook_

Frail memories so fragile were easily erased, easily manipulated.

_Just fade away_

Was he heard?

_Please let me stay_

"Gods…Please, Severus…"

_Coming your way_

Now the other man was not unprepared for the second assault.

_I can live forever here_

"I care not how long you could survive here, Potter. You are not wanted here."

_Forget it_

"Just forget it."

_How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me_

"Please…just once more…just once."

_You're a part of me that I don't wanna see_

The voices were pushed aside as Harry begged. They always were shoved away when Harry's thoughts and actions centered solely on this man.

He was pushed away, sent out the door, and his last echoes of words were closed inside the room he had just recently vacated. He slumped against the wall as his final attempt was refuted, resigned to his dwindling existence.

_Please…_

_I can live forever here_


	18. We Are Not Alone: Simple Design

Simple Design

Breaking Benjamin

I live a chemical life

I'm on a mission inside

You went insane for a day

I'll have to shove it away

My only option is gone

Smile as they break and they fall

You want a simpler life

You can't erase what was right

You must be out of your mind!

This was a simple design!

You fuck it up every time

How could you leave me behind

It's alright, it's alright

'Cause I know what you want

But you'll just have to wait

If I had it to give

I would give it away

I'm living it up

While I'm falling from grace

There's no way that I'm running away

I'm used to making it worse

Made up of four letter words

You wanna know what it was

Now as I lay there it's gone

You fall apart at the seams

I'll never know what it means

Try not to pull it apart

Your anger straight from the heart

You must be out of your mind!

This was a simple design!

You fuck it up every time

How could you leave me behind

It's alright, it's alright

'Cause I know what you want

But you'll just have to wait

If I had it to give

I would give it away

I'm living it up

While I'm falling from grace

There's no way that I'm running away

It had to be the worst for me

I don't know what to say so let be

And now I find you left me behind

I don't know what to say so never mind!

You're wrong!

It's alright, it's alright

'Cause I know what you want

But you'll just have to wait

If I had it to give

I would give it away

I'm living it up

While I'm falling from grace

There's no way that I'm running away

* * *

He was having such trouble with the chemicals. They were fucking with him. Screwing with his head. Why he had to try the muggles remedy to life was a mystery to him, but he couldn't deny that it worked. He was flying high most of the time, a strong mist of contentment blocking the dark areas from himself.

_I live a chemical life_

What was he really striving for, however? Why did he continue to resort to this? Sometimes he couldn't even remember his reason.

_I'm on a mission inside_

The days he could remember, he wished he couldn't. Today was one such day.

_You went insane for a day_

Remembering followed forgetting, and forgetting followed such epiphanies when they were too painful.

_I'll have to shove it away_

His one option before it had come to this was quite simple—death. But the fear of cowardice inside of him canceled out that option, feeding him false hope that things would resort to their old ways.

_My only option is gone_

So here he was.

With a smile.

_Smile as they break and they fall_

He was so bitterly angered at the man he could only sometimes remember. His thoughts ran far, and usually they centered into a type of letter. Always addressing that other man.

_You want a simpler life_

_You can't erase what was right_

_You must be out of your mind!_

The fucking bastard was insane.

_This was a simple design!_

Everything had been so simple. So perfect.

_You fuck it up every time_

He wondered if the man knew what he had done.

_How could you leave me behind?_

Why had he been left here?

_It's alright, it's alright_

He was comforted, rarely, by the sight of that very man in his doorway.

_'Cause I know what you want_

Sex. It was all he ever came for.

_But you'll just have to wait_

At the moment he could hardly breathe, however. Things would have to wait.

_If I had it to give _

You could have it. You could. But I can't breath. His thoughts forever addressed that man. As if, from some unseen corner, he would be there, there to hear him.

_I would give it away_

If he were to be going, he went the right way. If this was his death, he flew so high that he wouldn't crash before he died. He'd merely soar up to the sky and become part of it.

_I'm living it up_

If this was so, why did it feel as if he fell so far into himself?

_While I'm falling from grace_

_There's no way that I'm running away_

"I'm sorry…I can't…I'm…" He gasped, trying to explain why he hadn't stood upon the mans entrance. Severus Snape looked around his small quarters in disgust, and Harry felt the irritation in the man's presence.

_I'm used to making it worse_

Fuck. Slut. Piece of shit. Nothing. No one.

_Made up of four letter words_

"What have you done, Potter?" trademark drawl, sarcasm, satire, it was all there.

_You wanna know what it was?_

His high was slipping away.

_Now as I lay there it's gone_

When the man put the signs together, and odd thing occurred.

_You fall apart at the seams_

He couldn't understand. Why did the man care?

_I'll never know what it means_

"Don't…I mean…I'm already…" He couldn't get the words out.

_Try not to pull it apart_

_Your anger straight from the heart_

"Don't _hurt_ you Potter? You're dying for fucks sake!" the man looked angry enough to hit him. That's why he had put his arms up, in a feeble gesture to protect himself. For god knows why.

_You must be out of your mind!_

Didn't the man know about the chemicals?

_This was a simple design!_

He had thought it obvious.

_You fuck it up every time_

Now that he was finally getting his, the man had to go and screw it up.

_How could you leave me behind?_

How could he? It was his own fucking fault. Why'd he have to go and get mad now?

_It's alright, it's alright_

_'Cause I know what you want_

_But you'll just have to wait_

_If I had it to give _

_I would give it away_

_I'm living it up_

_While I'm falling from grace_

_There's no way that I'm running away_

"I…don't…"

"Don't what, Potter? Do what I came here for? We both know you're in no condition to perform the services I require. Get up. We're going to Mungo's."

The man snapped at him, yanking on his arm. When Harry was on his feet, he found himself pressed flush to the others body. And while he was undergoing certain maladies himself, he couldn't help but kiss the other man. He was so close. How could he, in his state, possibly resist or restrain?

_It had to be the worst for me_

_I don't know what to say so let be_

Words weren't necessary. The kiss was all it took to dissolve the others control. No matter Harry's condition. It had been too long since the last time, he supposed. Snape was probably at the end of his resolve.

_And now I find you left me behind_

_I don't know what to say so never mind!_

When he attempted to speak, there was nothing to say. So instead there was no sound beyond that of which the walls usually heard. Even as fucked up as he was, Harry was still beautiful. And the drugs gave him a wraithlike quality.

The visitors that frequented his rooms were not so far in-between that the sounds the two men made were new.

"_Always the whore, Potter," the man growled, shoving Harry against the bed._

_You're wrong!_

"_Only…" gasp. "Yours…"_

_It's alright, it's alright_

This is the end.

_'Cause I know what you want_

And you've gotten it.

_But you'll just have to wait_

_If I had it to give _

_I would give it away_

He was slipping away.

_I'm living it up_

This was just the way he loved.

_While I'm falling from grace_

Falling he was flying. Soaring in this time where they two were only two. Only them.

_There's no way that I'm running away_

He wasn't running. He was falling. And as the man beside him stood and took his arm, he felt himself fall farther than he ever had.

He was so far gone…he was gone.


	19. We Are Not Alone: So Cold

_So Cold_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_Crowded streets are cleared away_

_One by one_

_Hollow heroes separate_

_As they run_

_You're so cold keep your_

_Hand in mine_

_Wise men wonder while_

_Strong men die_

_Show me how to end this all right now_

_Show me how defenseless you really are_

_Satisfied and empty inside_

_Well, that's all right, lets give this another try! _

_If you find your family_

_Don't you cry_

_In this land of make-believe _

_Dead and dry_

_You're so cold but you_

_Feel alive_

_Lay your hand on me one last time_

_Show me how to end this all right now_

_Show me defenseless you really are_

_Satisfied and empty inside_

_Well, that's alright, lets give this another try! _

_Show me how to end this all right now_

_Show me defenseless you really are_

_Satisfied and empty inside_

_Well, that's alright, lets give this another try! _

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_It's alright_

_

* * *

_

Harry watched with concealed horror as the death eaters terrorized a muggle village. Snape stopped the image, then rewound it, forcing Harry to view it over and over.

_Crowded streets are cleared away_

_One by one_

He watched as those who called themselves 'the resistance'—not strictly part of the order, but the foot soldiers of the thing—grew wild with nerves. He watched them flee, or surrender.

_Hollow heroes separate_

_As they run_

Snape broke the memory, and began to pull his hands from the boys' own. Harry had needed physical contact to transfer the memory, as no pensieve was present and he was not a very skilled occlumence.

_You're so cold keep your_

He wanted those frozen fingers to leave, to not touch his skin again. And yet…

_Hand in mine_

His hands tightened, keeping Snape's own hooked with his.

_Wise men wonder while_

_Strong men die_

What followed, he could not be held accountable for. Who knew that such a small gesture would result with those cold hands _all over him_? And who knew that he would love it, crave for it to happen again.

_Show me how to end this all right now_

He felt like giving up, giving in. why did he have to learn this all anyway? It's not like he gave a wit who won. He was only a toy bauble to be used and passed between both sides.

_Show me how defenseless you really are_

Snape could not keep his tongue from leaving Harry defenseless. Harry loved it, and hated it in the same breath. No one but this man saw him like this. No one but this man could render him so utterly raw.

_Satisfied and empty inside_

Sated hunger for touch and feeling, empty where it used to count so much. That's what he was now. That's what this war had made him.

_Well, that's all right, lets give this another try! _

It was now of little matter. Once something was lost, memory of the thing faded over time, and left you with only a memory of that loss, not the thing itself. It hurt less that way. And so he returned.

_If you find your family_

Snape was showing him a small girl, bent over the remains of her family and crying as a wand pointed threateningly at her from outside of the memory's vision.

_Don't you cry_

_In this land of make-believe _

It's not like this was real, anyway. Not to him.

_Dead and dry_

He had long since let himself go.

_You're so cold but you_

Such cold flesh on his.

_Feel alive_

Alive and moving against him, making him _feel_ again.

_Lay your hand on me one last time_

"Once more. Please sir, just once more,"

Sometimes he hated how that man could make him beg.

_Show me how to end this all right now_

Why not ask Snape?

_Show me how defenseless you really are_

Why not let him see? The scars are evident on his flesh anyway. The man would love to see him powerless. He always did.

_Satisfied and empty inside_

This is me.

_Well, that's alright, lets give this another try! _

Uncaring. Thrown to the winds, just another fuck. Another screw up.

_Show me how to end this all right now_

_Show me how defenseless you really are_

_Satisfied and empty inside_

_Well, that's alright, lets give this another try! _

So that was how things went. Live on just for it and steal the bit of feeling from another's body. Savor the contempt and lust upon their face, the next minute, they're slowly dying.

A stray Avada Kedavra spell.

_It's alright_

One less man to burn in this hell.

_It's alright_

Kneeling by his fading side.

_It's alright_

Crying out 'its alright'

_It's alright_

Caring not, to be reassured

_It's alright_

Whispered soft,

_It's alright_

The man's last word.

_It's alright_

Crying, repeating,

_It's alright_

It goes unheard

_It's alright_

They both said

The same exact words.


	20. We Are Not Alone: Sooner or Later

_Sooner or Later_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_I want a normal life _

_Just like a new born child_

_I am a lover hater_

_I am an instigator_

_You are an oversight_

_Don't try to compromise_

_I'll learn to love to hate it_

_I am not integrated_

_Just call my name_

_You'll be okay_

_Your scream is crawling through my veins_

_Sooner or later your gonna hate it_

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

_Driving me under, leaving me out there_

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

_You're like an infantile_

_I knew it all the while_

_You see them try to play me_

_Just like you see on TV_

_I am an oversight_

_Just like a parasite_

_Why am I so pathetic_

_I know you won't forget it_

_Just call my name_

_You'll be okay_

_Your scream is crawling through my veins_

_Sooner or later your gonna hate it_

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

_Driving me under, leaving me out there_

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

_

* * *

_

_I want a normal life _

Why couldn't he be normal?

_Just like a new born child_

Why had he not the choice to start over?

_I am a lover hater_

He loathed those who said they truly loved. What folly it all was.

_I am an instigator_

Why must _he_ lead?

_You are an oversight_

He hadn't meant to begin what he had with the boy. He hadn't thought he could.

_Don't try to compromise_

_I'll learn to love to hate it_

He hated the boy. Hated what secret they now shared. He loved hating it. Loved hating him.

_I am not integrated_

Was he ever? No.

_Just call my name_

_You'll be okay_

He loathed telling him this

_Your scream is crawling through my veins_

Every time. Every time. The boys scream curdled his blood and enacted a response that was not morally right. He was, after all, his teacher.

_Sooner or later your gonna hate it_

The boy would soon realize the truth of the disgusting situation.

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

What did he care, anymore? He would merely watch as Harry threw all there was to the dust.

_Driving me under, leaving me out there_

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

He never knew watching such a thing could be such a pleasant thing.

_You're like an infantile_

"Your childish view of the world never ceases to amaze, Mister Potter." Snape growled in irritation.

_I knew it all the while_

"And yet you continue this liaison we have," the boy remarked, striding forward.

_You see them try to play me_

_Just like you see on TV_

_I am an oversight_

To you, a mistake. His mind taunted him with the truth.

_Just like a parasite_

Was this truly what he had become?

_Why am I so pathetic?_

The boy asked him this on many occasions.

_I know you won't forget it_

Would he ever forget?

_Just call my name_

_You'll be okay_

No more would he say these things. No more would he allow anything between them.

_Your scream is crawling through my veins_

Now he was intimately familiar with the pain of resistance. Before hadn't even scratched the surface.

_Sooner or later your gonna hate it_

Oh, how he loathed this.

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

Everything was gone now.

_Driving me under, leaving me out there_

He was left here, so very much alone.

_Go ahead and throw your (my) (our) life away_

Everything…everyone…gone.


	21. Saturate: Water

_Water_

_Breaking Benjamin_

_What's all this talk of a notion?_

_I'd rather drink from the ocean_

_What did you mean when you said no?_

_I only want what is best for you_

_I won't ever let you drown_

_No I won't ever let you down_

_Cause I am my enemy_

_The water's up to the knee_

_I know what'll happen from here_

_Yes I do, yes I do!_

_My engines already died_

_My head's so fucked up inside_

_Shut up_

_I know!_

_I said so._

_There is no end to recover_

_You tell me there is no other_

_The surface is getting hotter_

_Well I'll shove your head underwater!_

_I won't ever let you drown_

_No I won't ever let you drown_

_Cause I am my enemy_

_The water's up to the knee_

_I don't want anything from you!_

_Yes I do, yes I do!_

_My engines already died_

_My head's so fucked up inside_

_Shut up_

_I know!_

_Cause I said so._

_Cause I am my enemy_

_The water's up to the knee_

_I don't want anything from you_

_Yes I do, yes I do!_

_My engines about to die_

_My head's so fucked up inside_

_Shut up_

_I know!_

_I said so._

_Shut up_

_I know_

_I said so_

_Shut up_

_Cause I know_

_I said…_

_So…_

_

* * *

_

_What's all this talk of a notion?_

_Why_ did the man proceed to think that he knew better than Harry?

_I'd rather drink from the ocean_

Whatever his new reasons for discontinuing whatever it was they had, Harry was not going to stand for it.

_What did you mean when you said no?_

Had the man meant yes when he had said no? Had his eyes betrayed him? He could not remember.

_I only want what is best for you_

The lie they often told. But never Snape. No, the man would never say that out loud. He might not even think or feel it at all.

_I won't ever let you drown_

He could depend on the man, surely. He knew where his loyalties lie, in that respect. But he wanted so much more. So much more…

_No I won't ever let you down_

And as hard as he tried, and told himself that lie, time and time again he dissatisfied the people around him.

_Cause I am my enemy_

The marks on his skin were testament enough for his unstable insanity. His inner self and his outer self, at war far more often than not.

_The water's up to the knee_

Things seemed to be closing in.

_I know what'll happen from here_

Die at the hands of the Dark Lord…? At his own…? At another's…?

_Yes I do, yes I do!_

In the end, the outcome remained the same.

_My engines already died_

Dead inside. Gone from here and left quite happily. Racing along with no one inside, speeding around corners when his engine had already died.

What would they say if they knew?

_My head's so fucked up inside_

He moved his lips soundlessly, addressing the endless screams and whispers in his mind.

_Shut up_

_I know!_

_I said so._

What was the purpose, anyway? He certainly did not live for himself. Who, in his shoes, would? Born to die, why live to end? He lived not for his 'friends', or those who counted on him. They would die anyway, why not now, here?

Until now he had lived for his brief points of heightened clarity. Pain that brought him starkly to the world, and pleasure that floated him far beyond it.

_There is no end to recover_

But that had ended now, as well. As all things do.

_You tell me there is no other_

"…No other way for this to go, Potter. It is finished," the door slammed in his face.

_The surface is getting hotter_

Pressed into this tight space

_Well I'll shove your head underwater!_

His anger should have erupted at Snape.

But instead he found himself fallen victim.

_I won't ever let you drown_

He was drowning himself

_No I won't ever let you down_

He was lower than any possible retribution

_Cause I am my enemy_

He did this to himself

_The water's up to the knee_

It was getting closer

_I don't want anything from you!_

He hated the man. loathed him.

_Yes I do, yes I do!_

Longed for him. Needed him, relished the sight of him.

_My engines running on dry_

Gone.

_My head's so fucked up inside_

Stop! Yelled silently at his soundless voices.

_Shut up_

_I know!_

_Cause I said so._

Close

_Cause I am my enemy_

It came closer

_The water's up to the knee_

Faster

_I don't want anything from you_

He roared with laughter

_Yes I do, yes I do!_

The hands on his shoulders, he spun around

_My engines about to die_

Sputtered flicker going to drown.

_My head's so fucked up inside_

Quiet kisses seal up the mind.

_Shut up_

The voices listen this time

_I know!_

He knew this was all it took.

_I said so._

The man was stronger than ever he looked

_Shut up_

Pressed down onto his knees.

_I know_

Voices roaring into screams.

_I said so_

Orders calmly received.

_Shut up_

Mouth put to better use

_Cause I know_

Thoughts gone and running loose

_I said…_

Stay in this moment of time

_So…_

Don't leave me here or I'll die!

"I know,"

Quiet words

From above

Voices gently hushed

Heightened moments in time

Lived for and strongly lived this night

_Cause I know! _

_I said so…_


End file.
